The crossing of the paths

I've told you about the two different paths that I found and now I'm going to tell you how they came together. They aren't really all that different really and they came together really well. It just happened that I found them at different times, I think that made it easier for me in the end. I had a decent amount of time dedicated to nothing but my totem, Hawk, and the idea of Shamanism before I welcomed Paganism and a god in my life.

Today, I'm a Pagan on a Shamanic path. So, what exactly does this mean? Pretty much what I just stated, it's really self explanatory. I can't say I'm a Pagan Shaman because not only would I feel wrong saying that but it's also completely untrue. I'm not a Shaman, nor would I ever consider myself to be one. I don't have any classical training, I don't even have training from another person that's related to Shamanism. My training has come from books, has come from self-teaching, and has come from my teacher, Hawk. Hawk has taught me most of the things that I know how to do, the biggest one being how to journey. I knew about the topic of Shamanic journeying and it was always a goal of mine, I wanted to be able to do it very, very badly. I completely understood the concept and Hawk was the one who helped me understand actually doing it and the process. Unfortunately I don't have a drum, nor do I think I would have the ability to drum for myself and journey at the same time (not the best multi-tasker), so I had to purchase tracks of steady drumming. Lucky for me they actually make CDs of drumming specifically for journeying! 
After meditating and talking to Hawk about how I was supposed to start journeying, and after having a number of dreams about the subject, I was finally going to attempt this for myself. I'm not going to go into details yet, that will be another post at some point. To make a long story short, mission accomplished :D
I've noticed when I journey I'm much more comfortable in the Lower World, I do journey in the Middle World on occasion but I have only made the journey to the Upper World once. I don't what to say it makes me uncomfortable because that's not true, but, I feel extremely comfortable in the Lower World. Now, I don't always feel this comfortable in the Lower World, I don't always experience positive things. Sometimes something doesn't want me to be there at all and sometimes I'm greeted with neutral feelings until I explain myself and why I'm there.
I have talked to Cernunnos while in the Lower World as well as in the Middle World, it's an "easy" way to communicate and I feel as though the connection is different than if I were to meditate and speak with him. Better is not the correct term at all, it's just the type of connection is different. I use both meditation and journeying to contact both Cernunnos and Hawk when I want to talk with them. Sometimes when I talk with them, I'm just talking, not about anything in particular. It may seem strange but I'd rather not just talk to either of them when I want something, I want to talk to them regardless of what is going on in my life. I think it's just a nice way to build a lasting relationship. I also leave offerings of incense every day (I'm getting better at remembering every day now) rather than when I ask for something or when I need something.
I'm trying to work on meditating daily, so far this doesn't seem to be working out well for me just because I forget or get really busy, but I'm making an effort. Meditation has helped me with a lot of things, I still have issues with ADD and meditation has helped me gain the ability of focus. Meditation has also helped me greatly with my severe anxiety.
I have really bad anxiety. I get panic attacks and I think I'm dying, point is, they're bad. I would get panic attacks several times a day, every day, every week, etc. It never failed, it was always like that and I'm not exaggerating that at all. This was when I was in high school. I started going to a therapist as well as a psychiatrist because I was prescribed Prozac for it. I was on a low dose, but I didn't want to be on the medication forever. My therapist taught me different relaxation techniques that helped out a lot. Those on top of making myself meditation often and work on my breathing really really helped. This wasn't an overnight change by any means. Now, 5 years after graduating high school, I still have the occasional panic attack but it's maybe once a week. That's a huge progress! I went from several times a day, every day to just once a week! I'm so proud of myself and I feel like I'm not afraid to live or to go out in the world. When invited out my first thought isn't "oh well...if I go to this place then I'm going to have a panic attack...can I really deal with that right now?" That feeling is absolutely fantastic. I owe that to my therapist and my hard work. Oh and I'm no longer on Prozac, I stopped that over a year ago.
I realize I didn't go into too much detail on how the paths crossed but as you can see they did. I use my ability to journey as a way to communicate with Cernunnos rather than just using meditation methods. I also leave incense for Hawk and I thank both Hawk and Cernunnos quite often. I have even though about making a secondary altar for Hawk. I want to have images of him on there and a dedicated places where I can meditate and communicate with him as well as a place to leave thanks for him.
My main altar (if I had one set up) would be for Cernunnos and I plan to make it very earthy. I do have a general altar right now, it's nothing to gloat about or show off but it is a nice altar and I enjoy it. My only complaint is that I just can't kneel in front of it, which I would love to be able to do. I'm also patiently waiting for the day when I can own a Neil Sims statue of Cernunnos. His image of Cernunnos is by far the closest image to how I see Cernunnos. I recommend that you go to eBay and do a search on Neil Sims and see his artwork. It will blow you away, absolutely gorgeous. I wish I had talents like that. If I could make statues I'd be making tons of them based off of my favorite gods and goddesses.

Yet again this is quite a long post so I'm going to stop myself there. If anyone has any further questions about how my two different paths came together, then I will happily answer them but for now I'd like to be able to stop here...I'm getting a little on the wordy side :)