He has passed and I'm changing

I'm not entirely sure where to begin this, I haven't updated for a little while and my last entry spoke of my great grandpa being in the hospital. As you may have suspected by now, he has passed away. He passed away a few days before Memorial day, ironically enough. Ironic in the sense that he was a World War II soldier and Memorial day was to remember those we've lost.
I haven't been in contact with too many people since his death and I have somewhat been avoiding the internet. I haven't been on livejournal for some time and I feel awful for shutting everything away, however, it's what kind of feels right to me. I've been paying more attention to family rather than friends at the moment.

I will  expand on this later, however, I want to talk about my current Pagan path. It has changed, not drastically as I was heading in that direction all along but I've finally stepped onto it. As you might jokingly say "I've joined the dark side."
My path has lead me to the darker side of Paganism. I don't mean this in an evil malicious way of course. Part of this occured when Morrigan came into my life and part of it was already there with Cernunnos. Both of those particular deities are darker deities, they are both connected with death and the underworld, etc. Some may not be aware of this, Morrigan is the more obvious of the two (in my opinion.)
So, anyway, my path is becoming darker but it's very comfortable to me and I'm enjoying it fully.

Signs pointing towards Morrigan

Before I went to bed the other night I asked if there could be a sign that Morrigan is in my life. I woke up the next morning at my usual time, 5am. I woke up, not to my alarm that failed to go off for some strange reason, but to the sound of crows. They were hanging out in one of the many trees outside of my house.
After getting ready to leave the house for the day, I stood at the door and asked for Morrigan to send me yet one more sign. I started walking to the bus stop and once I got there, I faced the yard opposite the stop and realized I was staring right into the eyes of two crows who were staring back at me.
Yes, crows are common in my area but I did take these as signs from Morrigan as they appeared on cue and it seemed directed towards me. Sure, some people may think me silly for taking these as signs but I'm going off of the feelings and thoughts I had surrounding the crows. Plus ravens and crows go hand in hand with Morrigan, it was just too perfect.

I fully believe that Morrigan is here and I fully intend on worshiping her. I have received no negative signs or omens regarding this and from the reading I did yesterday, Cernunnos doesn't even have an issue with this. That was my main concern surrounding a goddess coming into my life. However, I figured if it was meant to be then Cernunnos would have no issue with this.

I have been interested in many things linked with various Gods/Goddesses and pantheons, one thing I've come to learn is that somehow Cernunnos lets me know if I'm not on the right path or if I shouldn't attempt to make a connection with a deity.
I once began to look into Asatru. I even got as far as reading the Poetic Edda, a copy which I still have and won't be getting rid of, and I began wearing a Mjolnir. Every time I put that small Mjolnir pendant on I would have horrendous things happen to me. At first I thought, perhaps, Loki was messing around with me. Depending on what exactly you believe of Asatru, there are a few out there who worship Loki as a God. It's not unheard of at all but it involves a lot of chaos. As time went on I began to figure out that just maybe, Cernunnos was not happy with me. I was by no means ignoring him or pushing him away, but I don't think he was happy that I was trying to get into something else. He let me know it right away.
Once I stopped wearing the Mjolnir (which yes, I had cleanse in case anyone is wondering about negative energy attached to it) things returned to normal and even relationships that had been really messed up, were brought back to harmony.
I remember having a dream after I fully realized what was going on. It involved Cernunnos coming to me and just showing himself to me. He didn't talk, but I could feel as though things were at ease again. I haven't told anyone this story, not fully anyway. I usually stop at "I had bad things happen to me when I wore the Mjolnir." Why? I think it's because I find it embarrassing that I did something that went against my patron deity. Either way, Cernunnos isn't all light and love. He never was. He is just as dark and he will teach you a lesson in harsh ways when you really need to learn it.

At one point I thought, just maybe, Spider Woman (goddess) was trying to speak to me. I was having reoccurring dreams of a large spider who was a female, she would speak to me. I looked and searched for female deities that were related to spiders. Someone finally pointed me towards Spider Woman. I can't exactly explain what happened here but it really didn't feel right. Whenever I did research it just didn't do anything for me. I would lose interest fast.
I think this was another way I was shown that this was not the goddess for me and that she wasn't calling to me to begin with. Whether this was just a personal realization or if Cernunnos had been behind it, I'm unsure. It was, however, very obvious. I think what these dreams were telling me is that I really need to get over my irrational intense fear of spiders. When I say intense, I mean I freeze up if I see a spider and the funny thing is...I'm absolutely not sure why! The only thing in the insect world, or in the entire animal kingdom for that matter, that bothers me are spiders.
Snakes? No problem, they're cute and sweet!
Rats? I owned eight males as pets when I was in high school/early college and loved them to death!
Creepy crawlies? Hey! Look how cool they are!
Spiders? *freezes* ...OMG I'M GOING TO DIE!
Please don't ask me why, I honestly don't know. I can't stand them in my house more than anything else. Even those little yellowish/clear spiders that probably couldn't hurt you if they wanted to.
Despite all of this craziness, I actually have a favorite spider. How does one have a favorite spider when they're terrified to death of spiders? Because they're just insane.
I love wolf spiders. Yes, you read right, one of the only spiders that's aggressive enough to chase after a person when provoked is my favorite spider.

Back to my original point, wow I really got off track here, Morrigan is supposed to be in my life and I'm sure of that now. I still want to do as much reading about her as I can. There are two books that I really absolutely must get my hands on. One has been out for some time, I believe, and the other comes out in October. I will list these at the bottom of this page so you can just see the covers and look for yourself.

Thanks, once again, for reading and I hoped you enjoyed my attempt at humor in this entry :) If nothing else this entry shows just how crazy I truly am.

A goddess perhaps?

Recently I have felt a huge pull towards the goddess Morrigan, as well as an odd interest in her. I've had various dreams off and on that include ravens. There are always two of them and they're sitting on bloody ground, they're talking but I can't hear what they're saying. When I wake up from these dreams, I think of Morrigan. I'm not sure why I would think of her immediately, even though I know she is associated with ravens she wouldn't normally be the first deity I would think of when ravens are concerned.
Finally feeling as though I should ask if she is indeed after me, I wanted to ask straight up. First I grabbed for my runes knowing that it's very easy to get "yes" or "no" answers from them. I don't have all the runes memorized so I went to grab for my book about runes and rune magic. It was no where to be found. I took this as I shouldn't use my runes for this or maybe even at all right now.
I turned to my Druidcraft Tarot deck. I knew I could use the same concept with a tarot deck as I was going to use with the runes. You pick three cards (or runes) after shuffling (face down obviously) and lay them out similar to a 3 card "past, present, and future" reading. I turned them over one at a time. Two positive cards and one negative card means yes but there may be underlying negatives. Two negatives and one positive means no but there may be something positive out of it. Obviously three positives mean yes and three negatives mean no.

The first reading gave me all positive cards. The question was "Is Morrigan calling to me?" The cards were: the Ten of Cups (positive), the King of Pentacles (positive), and the Moon (positive).

The fact that the moon came up in this reading really floored me. The moon is usually a goddess in most beliefs so I took this as a sign of a goddess in general and since I was asking about a goddess I took it as a very positive sign.

The second reading gave me all positive cards as well. The question was "Cernunnos, would you be ok with me worshiping Morrigan?" The cards were: The Sun (positive), Queen of Wands (positive), and The Lovers (positive).
The sun is usually a god usually and I took this as meaning Cernunnos, the fact that I had the moon and the sun is a really great sign, especially given the context of the reading. Then the Lovers card. I took this as being able to worship both without fear of upsetting one or the other, working together so to speak. Obviously they are not consorts at all but I think this card is representing peace in a sense with this reading.

So where do I go now? Research and trying to actually connect with Morrigan herself to see if this is truly what she wants. I'm not used to such a subtle sign that a deity should be in my life. If you've read my previous entries about Cernunnos, you'd understand why! I want to make sure she truly is calling to me and that I actually am supposed to worship her before I dive in. I would really rather not offend any gods or goddesses.