I've told you about the two different paths that I found and now I'm going to tell you how they came together. They aren't really all that different really and they came together really well. It just happened that I found them at different times, I think that made it easier for me in the end. I had a decent amount of time dedicated to nothing but my totem, Hawk, and the idea of Shamanism before I welcomed Paganism and a god in my life.
Today, I'm a Pagan on a Shamanic path. So, what exactly does this mean? Pretty much what I just stated, it's really self explanatory. I can't say I'm a Pagan Shaman because not only would I feel wrong saying that but it's also completely untrue. I'm not a Shaman, nor would I ever consider myself to be one. I don't have any classical training, I don't even have training from another person that's related to Shamanism. My training has come from books, has come from self-teaching, and has come from my teacher, Hawk. Hawk has taught me most of the things that I know how to do, the biggest one being how to journey. I knew about the topic of Shamanic journeying and it was always a goal of mine, I wanted to be able to do it very, very badly. I completely understood the concept and Hawk was the one who helped me understand actually doing it and the process. Unfortunately I don't have a drum, nor do I think I would have the ability to drum for myself and journey at the same time (not the best multi-tasker), so I had to purchase tracks of steady drumming. Lucky for me they actually make CDs of drumming specifically for journeying!
After meditating and talking to Hawk about how I was supposed to start journeying, and after having a number of dreams about the subject, I was finally going to attempt this for myself. I'm not going to go into details yet, that will be another post at some point. To make a long story short, mission accomplished :D
I've noticed when I journey I'm much more comfortable in the Lower World, I do journey in the Middle World on occasion but I have only made the journey to the Upper World once. I don't what to say it makes me uncomfortable because that's not true, but, I feel extremely comfortable in the Lower World. Now, I don't always feel this comfortable in the Lower World, I don't always experience positive things. Sometimes something doesn't want me to be there at all and sometimes I'm greeted with neutral feelings until I explain myself and why I'm there.
I have talked to Cernunnos while in the Lower World as well as in the Middle World, it's an "easy" way to communicate and I feel as though the connection is different than if I were to meditate and speak with him. Better is not the correct term at all, it's just the type of connection is different. I use both meditation and journeying to contact both Cernunnos and Hawk when I want to talk with them. Sometimes when I talk with them, I'm just talking, not about anything in particular. It may seem strange but I'd rather not just talk to either of them when I want something, I want to talk to them regardless of what is going on in my life. I think it's just a nice way to build a lasting relationship. I also leave offerings of incense every day (I'm getting better at remembering every day now) rather than when I ask for something or when I need something.
I'm trying to work on meditating daily, so far this doesn't seem to be working out well for me just because I forget or get really busy, but I'm making an effort. Meditation has helped me with a lot of things, I still have issues with ADD and meditation has helped me gain the ability of focus. Meditation has also helped me greatly with my severe anxiety.
I have really bad anxiety. I get panic attacks and I think I'm dying, point is, they're bad. I would get panic attacks several times a day, every day, every week, etc. It never failed, it was always like that and I'm not exaggerating that at all. This was when I was in high school. I started going to a therapist as well as a psychiatrist because I was prescribed Prozac for it. I was on a low dose, but I didn't want to be on the medication forever. My therapist taught me different relaxation techniques that helped out a lot. Those on top of making myself meditation often and work on my breathing really really helped. This wasn't an overnight change by any means. Now, 5 years after graduating high school, I still have the occasional panic attack but it's maybe once a week. That's a huge progress! I went from several times a day, every day to just once a week! I'm so proud of myself and I feel like I'm not afraid to live or to go out in the world. When invited out my first thought isn't "oh well...if I go to this place then I'm going to have a panic attack...can I really deal with that right now?" That feeling is absolutely fantastic. I owe that to my therapist and my hard work. Oh and I'm no longer on Prozac, I stopped that over a year ago.
I realize I didn't go into too much detail on how the paths crossed but as you can see they did. I use my ability to journey as a way to communicate with Cernunnos rather than just using meditation methods. I also leave incense for Hawk and I thank both Hawk and Cernunnos quite often. I have even though about making a secondary altar for Hawk. I want to have images of him on there and a dedicated places where I can meditate and communicate with him as well as a place to leave thanks for him.
My main altar (if I had one set up) would be for Cernunnos and I plan to make it very earthy. I do have a general altar right now, it's nothing to gloat about or show off but it is a nice altar and I enjoy it. My only complaint is that I just can't kneel in front of it, which I would love to be able to do. I'm also patiently waiting for the day when I can own a Neil Sims statue of Cernunnos. His image of Cernunnos is by far the closest image to how I see Cernunnos. I recommend that you go to eBay and do a search on Neil Sims and see his artwork. It will blow you away, absolutely gorgeous. I wish I had talents like that. If I could make statues I'd be making tons of them based off of my favorite gods and goddesses.
Yet again this is quite a long post so I'm going to stop myself there. If anyone has any further questions about how my two different paths came together, then I will happily answer them but for now I'd like to be able to stop here...I'm getting a little on the wordy side :)
Showing posts with label Hawk. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hawk. Show all posts
Friday, April 15, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
Hawk - one of two paths
There are two different paths that I have been on, they started at different times but have merged together into one path. The first path, for lack of a better term, is Shamanism. I'm touchy about using the term Shamanism because so many people have different ideas of what that term means and when it should and shouldn't be used. I'm using it because I'm going to be bringing up the term "totem" a lot, which is the only way I have to describe what went on when I was younger and what is still occurring to this day.
The other path is 100% Pagan and that happened when I was about 13 years old, however, I'm going to start at the beginning so please stay with me, this could be a long entry but I hope you enjoy it.
When I was in elementary school I was good friends with a girl whose mom was quite spiritual. She had the book Animal Speak by Ted Andrews in her book collection and that was the one book I was always drawn to. I wanted to look at it every time I was over at my friend's house. I wanted to read it desperately but I wasn't there to read, I was there to play.
Finally one day my friend came over to my house and brought over this book. I believe I was in 6th grade at the time. She said I could borrow it but I had to give it back to her the next day. Now, after thinking about it, I have a feeling her mom had no idea that my friend had borrowed the book.
Rather than reading through the book I was skimming through it, I had such little time with the book that I wanted to look for the best information I could. I came across the section where Ted Andrews gives a meditation exercise to help find your totem. I proceeded to try out this exercise. I was having a fairly difficult time getting my mind to focus on just one thing and staying calm, not only was this my first encounter with meditation but I also have ADD and was diagnosed at a very young age, my mind was not very good at focusing to begin with.
Finally, after quite a few tries, I was able to focus and work on my breathing and clearing my mind. I went through each step that this part of the book suggested, by this time I had memorized what exactly I needed to do.
I'm going to make a long experience short by skipping to the end of my meditation session. During my meditation, I walked into a clearing where I was expecting to see my totem animal, I had seen a few animals on my way to get here but I knew the animal in the clearing was the one I was looking for. Plus, the others I had seen only appeared for a fleeting second and didn't seem interested in me at all. As I was standing in the clearing I could hear rustling noises and I felt the wind pick up slightly. Something started coming through the trees but it was not on the ground as I had expected.
I'm going to interrupt here quickly and state that I made the mistake of starting this exercise with the assumption that Wolf would be my totem because of how connected to them I have always felt. If you're doing an exercise such as this, I strongly advice to clear out any preconceptions or assumptions you have. It will either mess up the results or you'll just be completely surprised by the results. Now back to my story.
After studying the rustling area for a while and waiting as patiently as I could to see what animal was arriving, finally a very big and beautiful Red Tailed Hawk flew out and landed on a branch right in front of my face. I was completely shocked, so much so that I physically jumped. I was afraid that I was so startled that I would lose focus and come out of my meditative state.
Hawk, as I simply call him now, was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I loved Red Tailed Hawks to begin with but this one was just so big and beautiful. I'm still not sure how I knew this at the time but I immediately knew that this hawk was a male. Maybe it was his energy, I'm not sure, he wasn't speaking to me at all, he was just staring into my eyes, almost as if he were staring into my soul. This seemed to go on for quite some time before he closed his eyes and broke it. I knew that this hawk was my totem, I could feel it. I could feel that this relationship was going to be profound and strong and last for some time.
At this point in the meditation, after Hawk broke the staring contest, things started to go fuzzy and I was under the impression that it was time for me to come back to reality. After a few seconds of breathing, I opened my eyes and looked around. I had been sitting outside the whole time, in my backyard in a place I knew no one would disturb me. The sun had started to dip slightly so it was time for me to go back inside. Looking back now, I think I must have been in meditation for at least 30 minutes. That may seem like a short time to those who practice meditation but for a kid in 6th grade, I think that's quite an accomplishment.
That night I had my first dream about Hawk and that night would spark several dreams of him throughout my life. I dream of Hawk at least once a week and it has been like this since I discovered him as my totem. Since that time I see Red Tailed Hawks on a daily basis and in unusual places. I know that he is letting me know that he's there for me. Now when we meet, rather than no speaking at all or just using body language to talk to me, he is able to speak to me. Not from his mouth but as a mental connection, I can also feel it in my heart. He can get words across to me, rather than just images and ideas. I think this is due to how far our relationship has come. One of my lessons from him was communication related, this was some time ago, but I think the reason I understand him so clearly now is because of that lesson.
I had fully intended this entry to be about Cernunnos, the way I started out this entry was about Cernunnos but I really got off the subject in a hurry! I wanted to start at the beginning and make quick statements about how I started on this path but that quickly turned into an entry all on its own. I'm also aware that I talked about two paths in the beginning of this entry, I'm going to split that up and make two entries about it and then make a third about how the two paths came together. That or I'll just make a second entry and talk about the second path and how they came together. It really depends on how wordy I get!
I hope everyone was able to stay with me till the end of this entry and I really hope at least one person enjoyed reading it.
The other path is 100% Pagan and that happened when I was about 13 years old, however, I'm going to start at the beginning so please stay with me, this could be a long entry but I hope you enjoy it.
When I was in elementary school I was good friends with a girl whose mom was quite spiritual. She had the book Animal Speak by Ted Andrews in her book collection and that was the one book I was always drawn to. I wanted to look at it every time I was over at my friend's house. I wanted to read it desperately but I wasn't there to read, I was there to play.
Finally one day my friend came over to my house and brought over this book. I believe I was in 6th grade at the time. She said I could borrow it but I had to give it back to her the next day. Now, after thinking about it, I have a feeling her mom had no idea that my friend had borrowed the book.
Rather than reading through the book I was skimming through it, I had such little time with the book that I wanted to look for the best information I could. I came across the section where Ted Andrews gives a meditation exercise to help find your totem. I proceeded to try out this exercise. I was having a fairly difficult time getting my mind to focus on just one thing and staying calm, not only was this my first encounter with meditation but I also have ADD and was diagnosed at a very young age, my mind was not very good at focusing to begin with.
Finally, after quite a few tries, I was able to focus and work on my breathing and clearing my mind. I went through each step that this part of the book suggested, by this time I had memorized what exactly I needed to do.
I'm going to make a long experience short by skipping to the end of my meditation session. During my meditation, I walked into a clearing where I was expecting to see my totem animal, I had seen a few animals on my way to get here but I knew the animal in the clearing was the one I was looking for. Plus, the others I had seen only appeared for a fleeting second and didn't seem interested in me at all. As I was standing in the clearing I could hear rustling noises and I felt the wind pick up slightly. Something started coming through the trees but it was not on the ground as I had expected.
I'm going to interrupt here quickly and state that I made the mistake of starting this exercise with the assumption that Wolf would be my totem because of how connected to them I have always felt. If you're doing an exercise such as this, I strongly advice to clear out any preconceptions or assumptions you have. It will either mess up the results or you'll just be completely surprised by the results. Now back to my story.
After studying the rustling area for a while and waiting as patiently as I could to see what animal was arriving, finally a very big and beautiful Red Tailed Hawk flew out and landed on a branch right in front of my face. I was completely shocked, so much so that I physically jumped. I was afraid that I was so startled that I would lose focus and come out of my meditative state.
Hawk, as I simply call him now, was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I loved Red Tailed Hawks to begin with but this one was just so big and beautiful. I'm still not sure how I knew this at the time but I immediately knew that this hawk was a male. Maybe it was his energy, I'm not sure, he wasn't speaking to me at all, he was just staring into my eyes, almost as if he were staring into my soul. This seemed to go on for quite some time before he closed his eyes and broke it. I knew that this hawk was my totem, I could feel it. I could feel that this relationship was going to be profound and strong and last for some time.
At this point in the meditation, after Hawk broke the staring contest, things started to go fuzzy and I was under the impression that it was time for me to come back to reality. After a few seconds of breathing, I opened my eyes and looked around. I had been sitting outside the whole time, in my backyard in a place I knew no one would disturb me. The sun had started to dip slightly so it was time for me to go back inside. Looking back now, I think I must have been in meditation for at least 30 minutes. That may seem like a short time to those who practice meditation but for a kid in 6th grade, I think that's quite an accomplishment.
That night I had my first dream about Hawk and that night would spark several dreams of him throughout my life. I dream of Hawk at least once a week and it has been like this since I discovered him as my totem. Since that time I see Red Tailed Hawks on a daily basis and in unusual places. I know that he is letting me know that he's there for me. Now when we meet, rather than no speaking at all or just using body language to talk to me, he is able to speak to me. Not from his mouth but as a mental connection, I can also feel it in my heart. He can get words across to me, rather than just images and ideas. I think this is due to how far our relationship has come. One of my lessons from him was communication related, this was some time ago, but I think the reason I understand him so clearly now is because of that lesson.
I had fully intended this entry to be about Cernunnos, the way I started out this entry was about Cernunnos but I really got off the subject in a hurry! I wanted to start at the beginning and make quick statements about how I started on this path but that quickly turned into an entry all on its own. I'm also aware that I talked about two paths in the beginning of this entry, I'm going to split that up and make two entries about it and then make a third about how the two paths came together. That or I'll just make a second entry and talk about the second path and how they came together. It really depends on how wordy I get!
I hope everyone was able to stay with me till the end of this entry and I really hope at least one person enjoyed reading it.
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